Harm

No its not true
I don't just forgive-

Love is for others
People who deserve it
Those I can love-

When I hate someone
Who has harmed me
There is no place for it
Playing Christ doesn't ring my bell
I doubt it ever rang his either.

The wise tell me to let go-
To help me sleep at night.

They tell me this anger will corrode
me-
It will harm me make me sick make me bitter.

But these wise guys
They never talk of justice or unpaid bills.

They want me to make a mewly
weak-
A
Sickly surrender-

They play on my being so small
An ant.
My enemy is big, powerful, influential, rich-
A wall.

Right enough
I am too small to extract my revenge
By myself
If I try
I will fail

My family will suffer
I could be killed.

But, I can surely want it
And want it
And want it!

So
I wait for bad news deep inside myself
I read obituaries.

For a long time-
I rock myself
Trying to soothe
My endless, variegated, pain
Promising myself-
Justice
Retribution-
Fantasising on it
Cursing like the Magi!

Till at last
Feeling weary and spent
Hopeless
Drained
I resign myself to leaving it to time-
But I want to be around to see it all.

And!

Long after
I give up-
Thinking it fell between the cracks
There would be no squaring up,
That my wronged soul would just
Be ignored-

A first, telling, blow, is struck!

Then, when I try to content myself
Tell myself
That that is all-

And even more time
Goes by

And I think I will be old
Too old to care-

There is another smiting
This time
Harder!

And come to think of it it was pretty quick all in all

For retribution.

And
Far more
Devastating than I had imagined.


Karma works!

Fighting the doubt
That was lack of self confidence
But the clock actually started ticking right after the wrong.

And how I savour it-
No compassion
Nil.
Forgiveness
No.
But yes-
What joy,
Rapture even-
Satisfaction,
And all with a straight face-

Nobody can know the extent of my rancour.


But
When it came around
I feel so sure that I
Knew it somewhere
In the  deep recesses of my mind
A part that does not doubt
I didn't know this part.

I've paid for it after all
In long suffering, humiliation, hellplessness
I've had to wait and wait
But
There's more to come
I'm sure of it

More harm

Than  I can imagine
Or anticipate

There is a compounding.

I've long wanted it
And still want it
That harm
Inflicted-
more piled on more
An abundance
Of retribution.

I want an acute pain
Much worse than what I had to endure-
Though now it is only a memory

By the time
Revenge rolls around like a desert trolley-

The despair when it comes, needs to be sharper please God
I had prayed-
 Than what I had to feel
Clearly bigger
Oceans bigger-


Time has blunted
Numbed my pain
But apparently
Neither my anger nor my appetite-

Though I do get a little bored
With my vehemence.

There is satisfaction in this
When the Gods smite your enemy,
Cosmic revenge is better-

The Gods do it good
Judge well
The Universe punishes with style-

I
Have ring-side seats, red leather recliner seats,
 Nice and complimentary
I
Can
And
Do
Watch-

I'm really enjoying myself
Having the time of my life.

Gautam Mukherjee